May is a tough month for me

May is a tough month for me.  My mom died in May.  And my sister Kathy died in May.

At the same time, it's gorgeous and Spring is one of my favorite seasons (Summer being the best). 
Like many people I know and love, I struggle with anxiety and depression.  My oldest sister Marilyn had treatment resistant depression, and she fought that battle fiercly, for decades. I am fortunate because my variety responds to treatment. Being outside is a big part of my treatment.

I try to get outdoors and in the sun as much as I can, but I get cracks and the stress and sadness leak out.  This past week it was so hard to wash my hair. 

Why is washing my hair so hard to do?  It doesn't make any sense.  I got in the river Thursday evening and rolled my kayak a lot, really celebrated the experience of being in the water. And then I struggled to make myself wash my hair.

I ended up getting my hair cut short for the summer and it makes it easier to wash.  But I still struggle.  

We went to the river yesterday, the Hiwassee, and it made me think about just staying there in the middle of the water forever.  But the river gets turned off when they stop generating power.  I'd be stuck in the middle of dry rocks.  Amongst little puddles of long green grass, and fish, patiently waiting for the waterflow to return, because being frustrated doesn't change a thing, so patience is all they have.